Consenting is the rule

I cheat to defeat my opponent
Then I say I never meant
To do him any harm
And I pour on the charm
But seemingly in vain
He won't forgive me for his pain


Cheating
is having the cake
and eating it too
To have the rules
apply to others
But not apply to you

'Being in a relationship' implies some sense of fidelity to one's partner - that's what makes it different from 'sleeping around for kicks'. Unless, of course, both partners opt for an 'open relationship'. If just one does, then that's cheating. But If both partners sleep around, are they both cheating? I say yes. They're breaking the rules the rest of us follow - how dare they? I mean, here we all are, struggling to be faithful, diligently walking the line, feeling guilty if we even think of straying, and there they are, hopping into bed with whomever takes their fancy at the time with total impunity. Is this fair? Why should they have all the fun? If, in fact, they are having more fun than the rest of us. As far as I know, no studies have been conducted on this important topic.

But I digress. Many people would say there can be no cheating in an open relationship, since there's no expectation of sexual fidelity. But for a relationship to mean anything there must be some rules. Even if your partner doesn't mind you sleeping with other people, she might mind it if you went away with other people for weeks on end while leaving her to keep house. You can take it from me. So, long story short, if you don't want to hurt people, you'd better know what the rules are, make sure they're fair to both of you, and then never break them. The trick is to learn just far you can bend them before they break .

- Paul

'I love him, I love them and I love me'

So far, cheating is to me something that would compromise the feeling I have toward my man.

I'm in love.
I'm always in love.
I love the men, the chemistry, their shoulders, the way they wear pants, their muscles, their awkwardness about relationship, the way they like sex, the way they protect, their attitude, their walk, their voices, the way they look at you when you are blooming in spring.

I go away, I am somewhere else for so many months; I am back with me. I am on my own. It's the same for the man. I miss him, soooo much, but I am happy to be back with myself. With myself I go feed on other people, like we all do. It gives us other colours and new eyes. It is a back and forth of energy and those moments are sooo important to me. Cuz really, if the couple brakes, what is left? For sure all those magic memories, mental picture of him in the morning, him with a flower, him being proud of you when you kick his friends ass on a stupid game. All this is still there and will forever and it is all part of a common life, that life we built between the two of us. That person we became by sharing so much. Well, as much as I love that duet being, I need to find myself sometimes and live things on my own, and I do. With my own reasons. If I was to kiss or spend the night in a naked bed with someone who is not my man, well it is my own business. No one need to know because it does not change anything in anyone's life. I still love my man, sooo much.

I love him, I love them and I love me.

-AB

The loyal one

Cheating is, to me, any action that I know would make my partner upset. I've been with my girlfriend for many years and know her in & out. I would be disrespecting her if I knew I was doing something that would upset her. I love her and want to be with her for a long time, so respecting her is a priority.

- W.B.

Issue three

During the months of May and June, we will be talking about the issue of cheating. Many people have expressed interest about this issue and so now is the time to argue about it. We all have different standards and backgrounds, and the idea of fidelity varies greatly from one person to the other. What makes this such a delicate topic is that it is very tightly knit to our values and our ethical ideals. The idea here is not to debate whether one point if vue is better than the other, what we want here is to learn how & why others see fidelity through a different perspective.

So with this said, I ask you today, considering your standards & experience, how would you define cheating on your lover?

careful what you wish for

oh dear
The things we think about, and the things we wish for, secretely fantasies about, they strangely build our lives. I had this fantasy gone weird like experience happen to me the other night, and it brought out this awesome womanness in me that I only play out in my imaginary scenarios. Goes like this

I was on the metro last Monday, going back home after spending the whole day in the sun, with friends, smoking joints and just forgetting about reality. I was feeling profoundly relaxed, open and tired, not really thinking about anything in particular. I walk up to the metro exit and as I'm walking out the door this young guy stops me asks me if I had 2 minutes to give him. I look at him, thinking he's gonna ask for change or go on about the meaning of life, and feeling chilled out as I was I say, 'ya sure'. He looked to me to be around 20, about my size with darkish skin (he later told me was Pakistani). He then says how he followed me out of the metro cuz he thought I was beautiful. I look at him in great suprise and with a smile I say, 'wow thanks'. He then asks me if I want to go for coffee with him, and I answer that I'm exhausted and just want to go home. 'Ok then, can I walk with you a bit?' he says. I didn't really take him seriously, but he looked pretty harmless and I was feeling open to anything, so I just went along with it. As we were walking I told him that he did a courageous thing, that many people think of doing such a thing but never act on it.

We walked a wee bit, said meaningless things about our lives and when I got to the corner of my street I said that we shoud part ways. I wasn't feeling a vibe at all. He then started reaching to hold my hand, so I told him 'What the fuck, I don't even know you dude, we met like 2 minutes ago, things don't work like that in real life.'
That's when things got, hum, kinda funny. He started acting all needy & desperate, saying inappropriate things like, 'awe, your lips, I want to touch them, I hope I kiss them soon'. Here are other weird & super inappropriate things he said to me:
- When is your birthday, I want to buy you an expensive gift.
- I have to see you again, I think I love you.
- You're not wearing a bra, are you?

RAMDOM, and quite fucked. I started treating him like a 5 year old, calling him on the stupid things he was saying and making him apologize for being so inappropriate. I kept telling him that we were in real life and that he's never gonna find a girl if he's such needy asshole. He was getting more & more agressive about his attraction for me, and I was getting tired and annoyed by him, so I made it obvious that he was never gonna be with me and that he had shit to work on.
All this time we were walking around in my neighborhood, and so I told him I would walk him to the end of my street so we could part ways, prepping him mentally for our separation (knowing it was gonna be a pathetically difficult and tedious task for me). So we get to the corner and he starts repeating, 'give me 2 more minutes, 2 more minutes'. I said 'no, no, no'. Then...he fucken grabbed my wrist, tight. I asked him in a comical and nonchalent tone to take his hand the fuck off my wrist. He refused, I then got mad and he let go. I said that what he had done was unacceptable and that he had to leave NOW. He stays there, looking at me like a sad puppy. So I just left and started walking towards my house. I turn around to make sure he's on his way, but he's still at the corner. I then look again later and notice that he's following me. The little fuck was following me! I then go on a rage and start saying loudly 'I can't believe you're following me!', over and over. I demand him to stop and turn around, holding my arm in the air and pointing towards the direction of the metro. He then lowered his head, and started dragging his feet opposite my direction. He kept turning around, and I would stomp my foot and point aggressively towards the metro. I waited till he was out of sight and went home.


I look back now and think to myself that I behaved in a naive manner, that things could of turned quite bad. People I tell this story to also tell me the same thing, how lucky I was nothing happened to me. But really, things didn't get ugly. That when I transport back to the event, I did indeed have 'control' over the situation and I am even proud of my reaction and my behavior and refuse to see this as a naive experience. I knew what I was doing, I knew the risks, and I refused to be afraid. Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean that I automatically loose all my capabilities to handle potentially dangerous situation, or become defenseless. The power of self-respect and self-awareness can be sensed in any case scenario, whether you're a man or a woman. So I wonder today, in the grand scheme of things, especially as women, what excatly is making us afraid of the opposite sex, or even against it? Is it their socially & historically accepted behavior or just our own fear of not being able to handle them, or of not being honest with them?

Sophie L.

April

Just so you know, the second issue about fantasies will be stretching its way into the month of April. Since there was no submission for March, there will now be 1 new subject/issue every 2 months.

But! I have a question for you today concerning our current topic of fantasies. It's a simple one:

What was your first fantasy?
That one though that you knew wasn't supposed to linger in your brain too long, but that actually took all the space.

Masturbating in love

Here's a short entry about last month's theme(Issue 1):

"Masturbating with your partner is a lot different, especially [when you haven't done it] for a long while.

I'm a bit embarrassed admitting this, like when we have sex we always cum together and it's always the best way to end it, brings you a lot closer to each other."

- anonymous

scary fantasy

Our capacity to fantasize and transport ourselves in some far away context is one of the few methods that can hint to us what is going on in our subconscious - permitting us to evade reality and shape secret desires give us the liberty of exploring new uncharted feelings & memories. It is also one of the few free luxuries that can offer us pleasure wherever we are, change our moods and even make us come. The fact that fantasies are private and belong only to us (and our partners sometimes) also give them a certain superpower... this secret power of knowing yourself, what you like, what turns you on, what goes on in that little wicked mind of yours, and knowing people probably underestimate or misjudge you 90% of the time.

For a very long time I was single and fanstasy was my sole method of turn ons. I was fantasizing about my 'true love' for the vast majority of that time, from the age of 4 to about 22, when I ditched that fantasy cuz it was clear to me that it was bringing me knowhere (it was merely a prefabricated fantasy packaged by society, well more like Disney & Mattel) . After that I started fantasizing about girls, older men, older women, and guys, in all kinds of different contexts, ranging from banal to dangerously perverted (depending on my mood and what had happened in the course of my day). I remember vividly my most scary fantasy (scary in the sense that I was shocked that it had turned me on so much). I was masturbating before going to sleep, and I was imagining all sorts of boring shit, trying to find that one thought or image that would do it for me. I then drifted unconsciously in toughts of my day, replaying in my head some conversations and visualizing some of the people I had served coffee to at work. I was quite close to cuming, and this one customer popped in my head, (I don't particularly like this dude, I actually quite DISlike him). I then had this image of us having sex, and suddenly I had the urge, just as I was about to cum, to slice his chest with a knife! I was super traumatized that this had turned me on to the point of cuming intensly. Of course this older man symbolized much more to me, his image captured my discomfort with conservative old men in general (their common sexism, lack of compassion, need for power/money and frequent selfish and close-minded comments).

Symbolism is very powerful in fantisies an dreams, and I find that interpreting these images and experiences help me demystify what I hide from myself.

The important thing to realize about fantasies is that they are ONLY FANTASIES. They give insight, they give pleasure, they give empowerment - they essentially GIVE to us, the only thing they need/take is a bit of imagination & motivation to let go.

- Sophie L.

Issue two

So as you might of noticed it's March, and with each new month comes a nice new subject to ponder on.

This month the subject is The wild and potentially deranged world of sexual fantasies.

This month, let's think about them, if they are the same when we are alone masturbating, and when we are with our partners. If they give us insight on our subconscious. If they tell the stories of our past. If they act as therapy or if they act as portals to indulge in our dark side.

Where do they come from and just why do they turn us on so damn much?


* Don't forget to add a title to your entries, as well the signature you want me to post at the end of your message.

"pictures of lily make my life so wonderful"

Pornography has existed both as a positive and a negative in my life.
There have been times where pornography has awaken me from
a long sexual sleep, and other times when it has harmed me in such a way
that it has disconnected me from my sexuality.

It has saved some of my relationships, such as long distance ones that tend to suffer
from an inherent sexual frustration. In this case watching pornography gave me the strength
to remain faithful. On the other hand, when I was young and just getting into porn,
I lost some relationships because of my sheer eagerness to masturbate to pornography.
this often left me "empty" and unable, costing me some early sexual experience.

It is hard for me to envision a world without pornography, though I can clearly see
that it is not always a good occurrence in our civilization. it can objectify the sexes
and destroy our sense of sexual reality through its tendency towards sensationalism.
This being said, I relate to The Who lyric "pictures of lily make my life so wonderful".
these images can help me sleep, help me wake up, all the while playing upon
my sense of sexual guilt.

pornography is not wholly a positive or a negative phenomena in civilization.
It is both at different times. It calls upon us to exercise a certain amount of
moderation but then again what doesn't.
-Mat